Graham's Guide to Dating Humans: Training Your Human to Love You Properly

Hello friends, Graham here.

Mum keeps saying love is “in the air,” whatever that means. I can’t smell it or see it, so she must have even better senses than me (which feels unlikely but I’ll allow it). I overheard her telling Nanny that Dad is taking her out for a special date. Very exciting. Slightly suspicious.

I remember being in the homing kennels and having lots of first dates with lots of different humans, so naturally I would consider myself something of an expert. Bit rude they didn’t ask for my advice, really. Still, it did get me thinking.

Now that I’m older and wiser, I’ve been thinking more about humans. This happens sometimes, usually when I’m lying very still, digesting my dinner and my life choices. Humans like to think they choose us, but anyone who’s been through the homing process knows that what’s really happening is something much closer to dating, and that we get the final say! Awkward first meetings. Nervous energy. Big promises. Lots of overthinking.

When you first meet a human, they’ll smile a lot and say things like, “Oh, he’s lovely,” while not knowing what to do with their hands. They’ll have plans. Ideas. Expectations. Some of them will have read everything on the internet. Others will say, “We’ll just see how it goes,” which is human for “I am absolutely winging this.”

If you’re a greyhound about to start dating a human, don’t worry. I have been doing this for a while now and, as an expert, I have learned some things. Welcome to my Guide to Dating Humans!

The Dating Problem: Humans Think They’re in Charge

Early on, humans tend to think they’re in charge. They arrive believing they will teach you how to live in their house, follow their rules, and fit neatly into their routines. This is sweet, but inaccurate.

In reality, dating is all about adjustment. Humans say things on first dates that they later quietly retract. This is normal. It does not mean your relationship is doomed. It just means the human hasn’t finished learning yet.

Training Your Human

Training a human is not about commands or rules. It’s about consistency. If you lie down in the same spot every evening, they will eventually move the coffee table. If you stand very still and look confused, they will stop and rethink their plans. If you sigh loudly before bedtime, they will learn that it is, in fact, bedtime.

The most important thing to remember is that humans want to get it right. They just don’t always know how yet. Be patient with them. Reward good behaviour with trust, gentle affection, and the occasional dramatic lean. Over time, they’ll learn your routine, your preferences, and exactly how much space you require on the sofa.

Progress may be slow, but it does happen. I used to be expected to run. Now I am expected to supervise. This is growth.

Spotting the Red Flags

Red flags are not bad signs. They are just moments where your ears might tilt slightly backwards while you assess the situation.

• “I’m very active, so we’ll do lots of running together.” This is a common one. Humans often don’t realise that some of us are retired athletes and would prefer to put our feet up like distinguished older gentlemen. My advice here is simple: stand completely still. Humans learn best through experience.
• “He’s so quiet… is he okay?” Yes. Yes, he is. Humans are unsettled by peace. They expect constant activity and interpret calm as a cause for concern. A gentle sigh usually helps reassure them.
• “No dogs on the sofa.” This is rarely permanent. Think of it as an opening position in a negotiation. Be patient. Time, blankets, and emotional staring are powerful tools.
• “I’ve never had a dog before.” This human will Google everything. They will panic, then apologise for panicking, then Google again. They are not failing. They are trying very hard.
• Panicking at normal greyhound behaviour. Standing still. Sudden zoomies. Looking like your legs are on backwards. These things can alarm humans at first. Remain calm. They WILL adjust.

The Green Flags That Matter

Once you’ve been dating a while, you’ll start to notice the signs that really matter.

• They ask questions. Even the silly ones. Especially the silly ones.
• They change their minds. About running. About routines. About sofas. About what “normal” looks like.
• They advocate for you. There is often one human who says, “Actually, I think he’s had enough,” and that is a very good human indeed. (Team Nanny, if you’re reading this.)
• They notice the little things. Your sighs. Your stares. The way you freeze when confused. These humans are paying attention.
• They celebrate you. Birthdays. Gotcha Days. Endless Custard Creams. Sometimes just surviving a Tuesday. Humans who celebrate are humans who are committed.

Graham’s Final Dating Wisdom

So, dating humans can be confusing. They run when they shouldn’t. They panic about everything. They put party hats on your toys. But they also learn. They soften. They adjust their expectations. They bring treats. Sometimes steak.

You don’t need a perfect human. You just need one who is willing to listen, laugh after panicking, and change their mind when you stand very still and look at them meaningfully.

If you see a few red flags early on, don’t worry. Most of them fade with time, patience, and love. The real green flag is simple: a human who keeps showing up and trying again.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve given a lot of advice and I think that deserves a nap.

Love and Licks,
Graham x